Pain is Pleasure

Never again will I date someone undercover,it never works out. I just end up with a bruised ego & a Inbox full of bullshit.Does love really exist,or is it something that we tell ourselves to get by? Many times,and in many forms this question has appeared.But theres still no answer,at least not one that satisfies my thirst for love.I constantly find myself getting my hopes up,getting let down,grieving,& eventually carrying on.If I know the end result,why am I constantly inflicting this pain? It's like cutting.It hurts so bad,but its better than feeling alone.I hate going through this, I hate the dumb feeling I get afterwards, but at the same time I miss seeing my phone light up with their name.Why must I do the same things expecting different results? I want someone whos proud to show me off,I would be proud to show me off.I know I can do better, I have done better; but pain is pleasure.I just need to find something a tad more pleasureable than pain.Is that something Love?